Stephen M. Hull

Gilgo's Advanced Arcana
04/20/2021

Gilgo was a terrible wizard. He flunked out of wizard college, went on a bender, spent all his money, and found work using cantrips to entertain the children of nobles at parties. He would invariably frighten or injure a party goer and be chased out of town. On top of being a talentless hack, he was rude, and smelled bad. Even by gnome standards, he was an ugly jerkoff with no friends. None of this discouraged him in his quest to become among the greats: Tenser, Tasha, Melf, Mordekainen, and… GILGO. Without supplies, talent, or know-how, he devoted his life to creating spells. These are the spells he created. In the foreword of his book, Gilgo’s Book of Advanced Arcana, he insists each of them be referred to as “Gilgo’s” etc. He died after being kicked by a beautiful horse off a cliff onto a wagon full of gunpowder.

GILGO’S RED SHIRT
1st
V, S, M (A red shirt)
Casting time: 1 action
Duration: 1 minute
Effects: The wizard is in possession of a red shirt, redder than before.

GILGO’S THROBBING HEADACHE
1st
V, S, M (An iron hammer)
Casting time: 1 action
Duration: 1 hour
Range: Touch
Effects: The wizard makes a touch attack while holding the hammer. Upon success, target suffers 1d4+1 damage and suffers from a headache. They suffer disadvantage for the duration of the headache.

GILGO’S MISSING GOLD
2nd
V, S, M (200gp (or more))
Casting time: instantaneous
Effects: The caster has found Gilgo’s missing gold! Please return it to him.

GILGO’S SUPERIOR POLYMORPH
5th
V, S, M (A bit of raccoon fur mixed with ruby dust)
Casting time: 1 round
Duration: 1 hour
Effects: Upon a failed wisdom save, the target is transformed into a pig. The size of the pig is determined by the scale of failure, as determined by this table:

1: Large
2-5: Huge
6-10: Gargantuan

GILGO’S ENFORCED PROPERTY RIGHTS
3rd
V, S, M (Numerous iron stakes)
Casting time: 1 hour
Duration: Indefinite
Effects: The caster demarcates the boundaries of their property with the iron stakes. After the spell is cast, a very loud, bright magical boundary appears in the form of 20 ft walls. These walls are opaque, but can be traversed as if they weren’t there. When any living thing, such as a squirrel or an intruder, or nonliving thing, such as a leaf, crosses the boundary, a voice announces their presence and commands them/it to leave.

GILGO’S SUPERIOR ACID ARROW
8th
V, S, M (7 tons of lumber)
Casting time: 24 hours
Range: 10 ft
Effect: Like acid arrow, but 6d6 damage on a successful ranged spell attack.

GILGO’S SUPERIOR HIDEOUS LAUGHTER
1st
V, S, M (A handful of goose down)
Casting time: 1 round
Duration: 1 hour
Range: 30 ft
Effects: Upon failing a wisdom check, the target is afflicted with an ugly laugh. The target brays like a donkey, or some kind of brain-damaged hyena. Their laugh is really stupid. You can mock them if you want. You should, really. You should make them feel bad.

GILGO’S ADVISING SPIRIT
4th
V, S, M (Gilgo’s favorite food, raw bread dough)
Casting time: 1 minute
Effects: Gilgo himself appears before the caster to offer sage, and timely, advice. ED. NOTE: While Gilgo imagined he would be summoned from the Wizard Plane after his death (a plane that does not exist) he is actually summoned from Limbo. Evidently he’s been summoned to parties of drunk wizards one too many times, because he mainly sits on the ground, facing away from the caster, with his arms crossed, until the spell ends.

GILGO’S COPROPHOBIC AUGURY
5th
V (screaming), S, M (a poop)
Casting time: Instantaneous
Effects: The caster tosses the poop in the air. If it hits the caster, woe. If it hits someone else, weal. If it hits nobody, neither weal nor woe--the caster can do it again if they’re feeling like a real prick, but this will not change the previous outcome.