Stephen M. Hull

Following the not at all bleak news of Amazon’s intention to bring the Lord of the Rings content franchise vehicle to the small screen, content consumers everywhere are rejoicing over this epic nerd content win. Amazon’s alleged e-book price fixing and public disdain for books and publishing makes them a prime (a-wink-a-doo) candidate to adapt additional material from this beloved classic. I’m hoping to get in on the ground floor, so I’ve cooked up some pitches for stories to feature in this exciting epic prestige television content streaming prime membership episodes rent premium subscription.

• The Gaffer’s sordid history of smuggling pipe weed into Mordor
• A beat cop orc patrolling the mean streets of Osgiliath during the occupation
• Radagast fucks
• An after-show a la the Talking Dead where showrunner Damon Lindelof explains how the ring is a metaphor for the atomic bomb
• A kitchen sink drama where Tom Bombadil and Goldberry have to put the pieces of their marriage back together after Tom’s affair in the 1950s
• Just Game of Thrones-ify the Silmarillion
• A raunchy romantic comedy about Beren and Luthien starring Armie Hammer and Saoirse Ronan
• Treebeard does heroin